EIGHTH RIDE ✦ ANONYMOUS TEXT

[diamondo]

What's the worst thing you've ever done? How did you recover from it?

I did something awful back home and the guilt's been eating me up ever since. I have some days where everything's fine and I don't even think about it. Other days it's all I can think about and I can barely do anything. I'm not saying I want to get rid of the guilt entirely because that's not possible, but how do you cope with it? I think it's about time I try to deal with it in other, healthier ways.

...Actually, while I'm on the subject, what's the worst thing someone's ever done to you? Did you forgive them? If so, how? I'm not the sort of person that can forgive easily, but holding onto a grudge forever is pretty awful.

[Look at that, he even went to all the trouble of typing properly so as to hide his identity! He even took out the numerous foul words that originally peppered the message!]

Comments

[anonymous text]

[ardent]

I've always tried to live my life in a way where I won't regret things too badly - I try to do what's right by other people as much as I can. It's a bit hard to answer that first question because I tend to feel worse about the things I didn't do for people; I don't hurt others on purpose, and I haven't done anything to anybody accidentally that was so bad that I felt there was no way to make amends for it. I haven't burned any bridges or anything. But it's the things I didn't do for people that are hard to deal with, and that's where my guilt and regrets tend to come from.

I haven't really found a way to deal with it; I guess I'm still looking.

When it comes to the second question, I try to forgive people for the things they've done to me, because holding on to that sort of thing is terrible and it just eats you up inside. I don't forget, though. I don't hold grudges, but I don't forget. Usually I just try to make the anger into something productive.

[diamondo]

It'd be nice if everyone lived that way, but obviously we don't. It's good that you've managed that, at least.

How do you make that anger productive?

[ardent]

I think it would be nice too, but I'm starting to learn that you can't force things like that on people. You can show them, but after that you just have to hope for the best. It's hard, having to trust people like that. I still don't really like it.

Ah, but the productivity is a matter of dedicating myself to things that make it so that whatever happened to me can't happen to other people. Learning from example and then using what I've learned to help others, if that makes sense.

[diamondo]

Yeah, I can't blame you. It's kind of hard to trust people like that, especially with something like this.

Oh, hey, that's a good idea. I mean it doesn't really work in my case, but it's really cool that you've managed to find a way to deal with what's happened to you.

[ardent]

Can I ask about what happened? It's okay if you don't want to tell me, but maybe it'll help.

[diamondo]

I've tried talking about it before, but it always feels like I'm bothering people. I've been told I'm not, but I dunno. It's really weird. I don't really want to talk about it, but thanks for the offer. I mean, even if the person I'm talking to is really cool about it, I still don't feel like I deserve to have anyone sympathize with me, I guess? And it's not something I can tell them because it makes me seem ungrateful. And it's not that I'm ungrateful, it's just I don't feel worthy of their support, I guess?

[ardent]

I understand. I feel the same way when people try to talk to me about what happened in my circumstances.

It's not a good feeling to have, and even if I want it to go away, I feel like maybe it's not going away in the first place because I don't deserve to feel better about it.

[diamondo]

What do you mean? Why wouldn't you deserve to feel better about it?

[ardent]

Ah...well, in one case I should have known something was wrong and acted on it, but I didn't realize in time. In another, something I did meant that I wasn't able to do what was expected of me. People died both times.

[diamondo]

Oh well, that would explain it, I guess. I still don't think you need to feel that bad about it. You didn't kill them yourself, right? It's understandable to feel bad about doing something that lead to someone's death, but at the same time, I don't think you need to beat yourself up that bad over it?

[ardent]

What sort of logic is that?

No, I didn't kill them, but they're still dead because of me.

[diamondo]

Yeah, but you didn't kill them. Besides, are you sure it's really all your fault? You might interpret it that way, but it might not really be that way, you know?

[ardent]

You sound like someone I know when you say that.

It doesn't help when he says it, either.

[diamondo]

Well if there's two of us saying that then maybe you oughta try listening.

[ardent]

It doesn't make it any more true.

[diamondo]

Well have you tried considering it from that point of view?

[ardent]

It changes things when it's the most important person in the world to you who's dead.

[diamondo]

Oh. I guess I understand that. I'm sorry to hear it.

[ardent]

Nothing that's said is really going to make it better; I've had people trying to make it better for months. It's better for everyone if I just tell them that it's working and I'm okay; that way they don't have to deal with it anymore.

...I would ask you to tell me if you ever find a healthy way to deal with it, but I don't really want to tell you who I am. I'm sorry.

I hope you work it out eventually, though.

[diamondo]

That's alright. Considering all you've said, if you outed yourself it might end up being pretty weird or something.

I hope I work it out as well. I really hope you find a way to at least be okay with everything that happened.

[ardent]

"Pretty weird" is one way of putting it, I think. It's easier to discuss personal things like this when there are no names attached to it.

Thanks, though.