EIGHTH RIDE ✦ ANONYMOUS TEXT

[diamondo]

What's the worst thing you've ever done? How did you recover from it?

I did something awful back home and the guilt's been eating me up ever since. I have some days where everything's fine and I don't even think about it. Other days it's all I can think about and I can barely do anything. I'm not saying I want to get rid of the guilt entirely because that's not possible, but how do you cope with it? I think it's about time I try to deal with it in other, healthier ways.

...Actually, while I'm on the subject, what's the worst thing someone's ever done to you? Did you forgive them? If so, how? I'm not the sort of person that can forgive easily, but holding onto a grudge forever is pretty awful.

[Look at that, he even went to all the trouble of typing properly so as to hide his identity! He even took out the numerous foul words that originally peppered the message!]

Comments

[text]

[solas_ion]

Me, I don't hold grudges. I pay back what's been done to me, and then let go of it. Ain't gotta forgive in so many words--some people don't deserve it. But you don't have to let that shit eat you alive, either.

As for the worst thing I ever did? Hell, I got a long list of times I screwed up. Thinking back, the worst is probably the time I mistakenly killed somebody I shouldn't have. It's tough nearly impossible to get over all the really miserable fuckups, but all I can really say is 'try to pick up and move on'.

[anonymous text forever]

[diamondo]

I guess that's true, there's definitely people who don't deserve forgiveness. But being able to look past that and interact with them normally seems impossible. I know a few people who do stuff like that and it's really surreal.

Yeah. I've been doing that for a long time. It's easier some days than others, like I said, but I feel like there's got to be a better way to go about it. I usually try to distract myself from what's bothering me, but it always feels forced, if that makes sense?

[text forever because shameless]

[solas_ion]

Most people are more than their moments of being complete assholes. I think I could probably deal with someone that wasn't just your run of the mill bastard, you know?

The alternative, though, fuck those guys. Nothin' but trouble.

Anyway. Maybe there is a better method--I don't know, if you're looking for distractions, try pickin' up something you've never done before. Learn something interesting, some shit like that. But it's gonna feel forced regardless, if you got some ungodly awful shit hanging over your head the whole time.

[diamondo]

Well yeah, but isn't there some in between? Like a person who does something that is completely unforgivable, but that person is normally decent? Or maybe kind of an asshole, but they're not completely awful?

[Mondo stop, you're going to hurt yourself at this rate.]

Oh yeah, that's a good idea. The doing something new part, I mean. I've been doing the same old stuff for awhile now, so trying something new might work a bit better.

But yeah, I don't expect it to go away suddenly or anything like that. I guess I'm just looking for ways to handle it.

anon text right back

[bertall]

The worst thing someone did to me... I think telling me that a friend of mine was being tortured when my friend and I were trying to escape the walls. I can already tell you I won't forgive them for that, but if you're looking for forgiveness, then... Hm...

_{[He's only talked about Berik with a few people, but he's never gone into too much detail. ...Yolo.]} I forgave the person who devoured one of my childhood friends. They weren't in control of themselves, so it wasn't my place to be angry with them. Was I wary of them? Of course. But I still forgave them.

As for the worst thing I've ever done, I, uh. ...I'm not sure if you want to hear it.

[diamondo]

Wait, devoured? How did that even happen?

I guess I can understand that sort of situation. I've been on the other side of that though; I lost control and did something awful to someone. It's not something I can ever forgive myself for.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I've done some pretty awful things myself, so I don't think it'll bother me or anything.

[solas_ion]

Probably. In my experience, good people can fuck up and fuck up bad. If they're still decent, I can usually give them some measure of forgiveness for it. But it's all tough to say, morality's a pain in the ass.

Distracting yourself's as good a method as any far as I'm concerned. it's just a matter of finding the right distraction until whatever you did quits hanging over you and backs off a little. Since we got all the damn time in the world here, it might not be too hard to find something worth doing.

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[codeforhope]

Sometimes, you have to just find something to immerse yourself in to try to take your mind off of it. Everyone is human, and we all make mistakes and do things that we will regret later...often for a very long time. It is hard to think about it that way, but that is the only way things will start to get any better.

I have had many people do things to me that I shouldn't have forgiven them for. So many that I cannot pick out just one. I cannot say that I truly forgave them for it, but I did what I could to get past it.
I did anything I could.

[diamondo]

Yeah. It really depends on the situation and how well you know the person, I guess. Forgiving someone you know really well and someone you don't know at all are two different issues entirely. Sorry, I guess it was kind of a stupid question to ask in the first place.

That's kind of what I'm worried about, actually. Having all the time in the world here. I had a lot of other things to deal with back home, so I didn't really have time to myself to stop and think about the first issue. The second one sort of cropped up last minute, so I've had to deal with it here. I like this place, don't get me wrong, but I don't have all the same responsibilities and stuff I had to deal with back home, so I've got more time to think about all this. In some ways that's good, I guess, but mostly it just makes me feel awful.

[bertall]

My world is full of monsters called titans. They've more or less pushed humanity to the brink of extinction and they eat humans just for the sake of killing. This person was trapped inside one of them for... I think they said sixty years? Titans have only been around for about a century. Because of them, humanity lives behind three walls that keeps these titans out.

Are you absolutely sure?

[anonymous text forever] locked

[diamondo]

[WELL LOOK WHO IT IS. Hi, Fujisaki. Mondo hesitates, considering leaving this alone and not responding, but he decides that he really doesn't have a choice. He needs to talk to Fujisaki eventually. He's been doing a great job avoiding the kid, but that's pretty awful and it definitely isn't helping with the guilt issues.

Time to man up.]

You're definitely a better person than me. I've been really bitter in the past and held grudges for things that didn't really matter. I guess it's not something I can really learn easily, but I don't want to keep doing that sort of thing.

Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to get myself involved in things, but no matter what I do I keep getting distracted. I guess I just need to find something that requires more attention or something.

[diamondo]

Oh shit, that sounds awful. So this person uh, ate your friend but didn't have control over themselves. That's awful. I can get why you'd forgive them for it, but it must have been hard.

Yeah. I am.

[solas_ion]

I didn't think it was stupid. Like I said, morality's a troublesome thing. No shame in trying to figure it out.

Hey, I get that, really. I ain't got anything to go back to, but even then I got no clue what to do with myself half the time. Spare time isn't always as good as it sounds, and at the end of the day thinking gets plain troublesome.

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[codeforhope]

[HI MONDO. Or well, hi...anon, rather.]

Oh, well I...I wouldn't say that. But thank you. And you're welcome.

Talking about it is supposed to help too, but I understand that most of the time that isn't always the best idea. Especially if it is something you would rather keep to yourself.

If it helps you at all, I think that you are very brave for asking for help about this in the first place.

[bertall]

I don't think Berik would've wanted me to hold a grudge over his decision anyway.

I was responsible for the deaths of over 250,000 people within a year.

[diamondo]

I know how that feels.

Oh shit, that is pretty bad. Is it because you're one of those titan things? Or were you like, a commander or something? I can't think of how anyone could do that otherwise. Shit, sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm trivializing it or anything. That must be rough to deal with.

[diamondo]

I've talked to a couple of people about it. It never really made me feel any better. Especially when they'd be supportive. I just wanted to say "no, I'm not worthy of your support. What I did was awful and you shouldn't waste your time trying to help me." Which sounds really shitty, like I don't want their help or anything. It's really complicated.

Thanks though. I mean it. I wouldn't call this "brave" more like "really stupid" but I just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas about it. That's the great thing about this place, you can just ask people questions like this and see what they say.

[bertall]

The first. I, uh... I was a year too young to join the military at that time - I was only eleven.

I broke the walls that protected humanity.

anon text forever;

[ossifragant]

To be honest I'm not sure I know where to start with the worst thing a person has done to me.

[It would out him immediately anyway to anyone who might be reading, so, uh...]

To answer your question on whether I forgive them or not, that's actually a pretty loaded question. The short answer is "no" but the longer one begins with "no, but".

What this person did was a long time ago, and I'm not usually one to hold a grudge. This was one of those exceptional things. That being said, my situation is probably not directly comparable.

The person I know would never express regret for what happened.

[diamondo]

Oh yeah, that's definitely a big part of it. It's hard to forgive someone if they don't regret what they've done.

I'm guessing you don't wanna go into more detail? It sounds like an interesting story.

[codeforhope]

[Mmm...]

Yes, I agree. I think I understand what you are saying, though. It doesn't make much sense, but...you want help, but at the same time you feel like you don't. It can be very frustrating.

It is nice to know that there are people here who will be willing to listen regardless.

[diamondo]

Oh god, that's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. You feel bad about it right? I mean, I doubt you would have brought it up if you didn't feel bad about it.

[diamondo]

Yeah. I don't have anything to go back to either. So I'm really grateful to be here and all that. But yeah, it's pretty hard sometimes. I hope I'll be able to find a way to cope with it though.

[bertall]

Of course I do. I'll feel bad about it until the day I die.

[anonymous text]

[ardent]

I've always tried to live my life in a way where I won't regret things too badly - I try to do what's right by other people as much as I can. It's a bit hard to answer that first question because I tend to feel worse about the things I didn't do for people; I don't hurt others on purpose, and I haven't done anything to anybody accidentally that was so bad that I felt there was no way to make amends for it. I haven't burned any bridges or anything. But it's the things I didn't do for people that are hard to deal with, and that's where my guilt and regrets tend to come from.

I haven't really found a way to deal with it; I guess I'm still looking.

When it comes to the second question, I try to forgive people for the things they've done to me, because holding on to that sort of thing is terrible and it just eats you up inside. I don't forget, though. I don't hold grudges, but I don't forget. Usually I just try to make the anger into something productive.